I shouldn’t have to hide behind the shadows and stay in silence. I finally found my voice…
Trigger Warning: Mentions Of Child Sexual Abuse
At 7 years old, you shouldn’t have to worry about anything, you shouldn’t have to live in fear, you shouldn’t be having panic attacks, you shouldn’t be wanting to burn your favorite dress.
Why am I saying this? Because all of that happened in my life at 7 years old.
It was 2004, I had moved to a brand new neighborhood several months prior, I had just started school at a brand new school a few months prior. Ever since I was little, I trusted people very easily. It never took me long to warm up to people and that may be considered to be a weakness of mine.
One teacher I warmed up to quickly at my new school was my P.E. teacher. I have memories of sometimes laughing at the things he was saying and I thought he was a cool guy. That’s the part that scares me now every time I think about it.
One morning, I went to school wearing my favorite yellow dress. I was so happy and excited for the day, like I always was. Little did I know that that certain day would change me almost completely.
I went to P.E. class, still feeling happy. What happened next? Well, let’s just say that I walked out there feeling completely scared. I also wanted to get rid of the dress I was wearing that day. Actually, I wanted to burn it.
My behavior changed drastically. I started having panic attacks before school - which I’m sure the average person would probably classify as a tantrum since I was seven - I began wetting the bed at night, and I was constantly living in fear. Those are some of the most common symptoms of a child being abused. And my poor mother - The symptoms were there, but she was completely oblivious to the reason why my behavior had changed.
Sometime later, another little girl came forward and said that the teacher abused her as well and a note was sent out to every student’s parents. That night, my mom and I sat at a table at my favorite restaurant and she proceeded to ask me if he touched me. I said, “Yes”.
I started going to therapy and I slowly went back to being a somewhat happy child. Not completely, but somewhat. Although, there was some certain stuff that the abuse gave me that took me years to shake off: I began hating dresses, I started hating male teachers, and now, at 23, I’m reluctant to start romantic relationships.
I’ve developed crushes on guys as time went by, but I never told them, not because I didn’t think they felt the same way, but because of my trauma. I want to know what it feels like to be in love and fall in love with someone, but I’m still scared of that.
When I was 12, I got the book, Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson for Christmas, as well as the film adaptation of it on DVD. When reading the book and watching the movie, I found myself relating to the main character, Melinda - who was raped by a high school senior while attending a house party.
At that point, it had been five years since the abuse, and it was the first time I felt like I saw myself in a book and a movie. I found comfort in the movie and the book, it made me feel like I was not alone and that made me feel so much better.
Although, I didn’t want to talk about it in my teen years. I never told anyone about my past unless I knew I could trust them. Hell, it took me months to tell my best friend. I continued to not want to talk about it until I was 21.
I was attending a local community college and taking an English class where I was given an assignment. I forgot what the context of the assignment was, but I think it was about a life changing moment. I was originally going to write about something else, despite my mom advising me I should write about what happened.
When that first idea got shot down, I finally began thinking, “You know what? It’s time to speak. It’s time to tell my truth.”
So I did. I went to class and we did a thing where we had to pass our assignments around and we would write down our thoughts on a piece of paper. I was scared of the response I was going to give, but I was rather overwhelmed by the response.
That was a moment where I realized that what I was doing was actually a good thing and I shouldn’t have to hide behind the shadows and stay in silence. I have finally found my voice and I wanted to bring it to good use.
Which is why I’m writing this now. To whoever is reading this, I want you to know this part of my past. If you’ve ever been in this position, just know you’re not alone. You’ll never be alone. I’m here, the people who love you are there for you.
I see you, I hear you.